Died.

My dad died in the 19th. He was  an abusive asshat and the last time I saw him, he was sexually assaulting me. I haven’t spoken with him since. My whole reaction was anger.  At him for the inconvenience, at my family for not being close enough to take care of it, at his best friend for waking me up to tell me about it, and not having all the info I needed to take care of the paperwork.
Now, I’m just glad that he’s gone… Relieved that I won’t be disrupted by him ever again. I have one less person to look over my shoulder about. My biggest fears are now gone.
But he was the keeper of the photographs… And they are mine of stuff.

took a big huge break

I took a huge break from life yesterday. It was several hours, where I left my phone in the car, and only had a camera, an empty beach and a friend of mine. The weather was perfect for a day at the beach, and I just happened pick it. My friend gets out less then I do, because I go for job interviews on a regular basis, and therapy twice a week.  The day ended with us sleeping for a few hours together. (and I mean sleep.) it was magical… I woke up with dinner ready and it was really good dinner.

That right there is how more days need to feel. Just all around good. It wasn’t the whole day, only most of it, and I hadn’t slept for more then 24 hours before we headed home. But, still… I haven’t had a day like that in longer then I can remember, where I got to relax without trying. Where I couldn’t stay stressed and worried any longer.

Why I’m hitting the wall.

I’m smart, intelligent, and good at photography. I haven’t given up. I’ve done everything that I could think of to do, I’ve gotten help from everyone who was willing to give me help…

However, remember me being smart? because of this, most people don’t believe that there are things that I can’t do. They think that when I do misspell a word, or can’t do math, or can’t memories something, that I’m just being lazy. They then go on to call me rude, and unworthy of help. Because I have so much in the way of looking and sounding smart… when I’m not stuttering.

I can’t learn how to do lots of things that everyday people can. Things like memorizing my address, phone  number, or anything like that. I really can’t do things that require me to do 2 steps at once (Unless I’ve done it for ever and it’s habit to be doing. but then I’m not thinking about it.)  And for anyone who tries to tell me that I should use perfect grammar, and spelling because of spell check, go fuck your selves.

I can’t do this stuff, and there are zero programs built for people like me, who, you know… insist on being treated like a person who is your equal. (Despite the fact that I’m almost always discriminated against… no matter what.)  School managed to teach me how to hate my self, and how to know that I will never be able to reach the standards that are set forward for me. Even if I do, I will have failed, because no one wants someone who has to spend 12 hours doing homework that takes the other students 2 hours.

I’m hitting a wall because I am poor, scared and learning disabled. If I knew how how change any of them, and was capable of doing so, I would have done it. I would have made the changes  a long, long time ago. Unfortunately, the world is set up to keep people like me down. I don’t have enough money to hire someone to understand intellectual property law, and that’s an extremely complex subject that I won’t even try to understand.

I also don’t have someone who can make the sales calls, write the pitches, and work on market research for me…

I have hit the wall, and I’m upset about it. I don’t know how to crash this one, as throwing my self against it hasn’t worked for over 20 years, and only ever left me feeling bruised, hurting and alone emotionally…

Help. Someone, I don’t want to loose this dream to to the same problem that has swallowed the rest of them.

Getting my Stuff

I gave Steve a chance, again. He’s spent most of my life being nothing more then a drug addict who was abusive towards me. He’s a family friend, and someone who my dad relied on to provide child care on a regular basis. I didn’t spend any time with him, nor talk to him for a long while. Then, I needed some storage. He never stopped calling me, so I answered one day. We talked. Then later, he called again, and I asked to store some of my stuff at his place. I didn’t expect him to have changed, but I really needed storage, and I needed it to be free.

He’s the one who did all of the calling. He’s the one who obviously wanted a relationship with me. So, I layd down the ground rules with him. They were specific, and very, very easy to avoid breaking.

1.  Don’t talk about my Dad.

2. Don’t ask me to move back “home”.  It is not my home.

3. When you say you will do something  do it.

Back to now? you can bet that he broke all three of them.  the first 2 he broke quickly… and I reminded him of the basic rules, and moved on. He would try to explain, I would just move on. It didn’t work. He kept on doing it. Again, and again, and again.

Then I went to get some of my stuff, and found that it wasn’t the way that it should have been, and that some items were broken, and others were missing. I expected this, but I was desperate.  I called him out on it, because he started talking about how he was “glad to see me” and “how much he cares about me.”  Yet, he didn’t keep my stuff safe after have said that no one would touch it.  I just couldn’t let him lie to me anymore…. He then tried to tell me that it’s all my fault, that I’m wrong. I just told him that I’m done listening to him. He tried to get me to argue. I simply said that “you don’t get to control me.” and finished loading up my car.  He continued to talk at me, and I continued to ignore him, and walked around him carrying stuff.

But, now, I feel like shit, and am not sure why I still feel like it’s my fault… This was on sunday. Yesterday, I started to have headaches that were so bad that I had to leave work early. They are the light sensitive kind, and I had them through the whole time that I lived there. They stopped once I moved out for the most part. It’s better today, but while writing this post, the headache started to come back…

Coworkers and bosses suck.

At my job, my boss, the invisible man, ignores me for the most part. He was working here for 2 months before I saw/talked with him. He is only temporary, with a month left.
Despite this, I left notes on his desk, and on my checklist (before he stopped providing them. )
I only see people in my department 2 hours, if I’m lucky I see then less. Mostly, I end up with l people yelling at me because I will not do there work.
I hate it so much, that I’m moving forwarded faster towards my dream.

Bright, warm, fuzzy…Zoloft

Being on Zoloft feels like waking up in an overly bright, cold room wrapped up in a soft fuzzy electric blanket. Nothing except how comfortable it is to lay in bed matters… Until you have to open your eyes get out of bed and go pee. Then the only thing worth doing is going back to bed.
The problem with this? The actions that Raoult result are mostly negative. I don’t go out and do things. I don’t make anything. I don’t want to do Anything. I only go to work or school. I don’t make plans, I don’t make the needed changes in my life. 
Yet my doctors think that this is fine, and normal…. Every. Single. One.
They ignore that my chosen profession is photography, and it’s not productive for that.
To sum it up:
Zoloft is bad for me.
Creating stuff is good for me.

Choices

I used to know how to do it. It was really, really easy. I knew what I wanted, and I made choices that would best get that. Now, I find that what I wan isn’t as clear. Or, more accurately, I want 3 different things that I can’t have all at the same time.  I want a steady, safe adequate income. I also want physical and emotional comfort. I also want to be paid for my creative work.  But I want them all now.

The easiest way to have a steady, safe and adequate income is to become a phlobotomist. Unfortunately that makes the physical and emotional comfort go out the window, while at the same time slowing down my ability to do anything that will get me paid for doing creative work.

I could go for the physical and emotional comfort, but right now that would require me to spend lots and lots of time in bed, watching TV, and working at a dead end job that may fall throughout by the middle of next month. I would also not do much of anything, becouse right now, everything hurts to do.. and I do mean everything.

Or I could get on and try doing creative work that may or may not make me money. This is the option that I want to do for me, in the long run. It’s also the physically hardest, and the emotional hardest. This one requires me overcoming pain, and my physical limitations, and stretching my self emotionally.  Growing pains. I hate growing pains.

I think I want to do option 3. It’s the one that I dream about. When I’m laying in bed, achieving number 2, it’s what I wish I was doing. It lights up the part of me that got me to start this blog. But I still don’t know if I should be doing number one instead. I really want that income. It will let me purchase stuff that will make it easier for me to do number 3.

I guess the real questions is: Do I go back to school so I can earn more money while I achieve my dreams, or do I pour my self into the dreams?  And how do I make sure that I am working towards my dreams above all else? how do I overcome the “It hurts I just don’t want to hurt anymore?” (this is impossible btw. no matter what, I can’t get away from pain.)