It was a dark and stormy night. The road that was going to lead me home was an unsafe one, that had rock slides and sheer cliffs. My friend refused to let me take that one, so I took the safer route. It’s still a mountain pass, but no sheer drops, 3 lanes in each direction, and much straighter. So, I thought that all would be good.
There was a car to my left, and rocks all over the road. Running over one of them left my tire punctured and my rim broken. Thankfully I had a spare in the back of my car. In a crying panic I called my friend.
I was sitting in my locked car, waiting for them to rescue me when the wrong car pulled behind me, A man in a yellow rain suite then shined a mag light into my window. He was highway patrol. He was professional. but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m triggered by law enforcement, as well as car problems. Just as he left, another vehicle with far too many lights pulled up in front of me. I was already at a 10. He was a nice man who changed my tire for 60 dollars.
This let me go on my way and I made it home. Now I;m not copying well while waiting for a replacement rim.
This part is much harder then the first part in the car becouse no one seems to get it… Im cut off from all of my safe places. I cant just toss a few items in the car and take off. I feel at times like I did when my now ex boyfriend wuld take his care and leae me withonlthe stick sift that I couldnt drive.
The first time I did art therapy, I was given a set of mostly dead markers. The only one that really worked was blue. so, I did my whole thing in blue. whatever. I didn’t think that it was going to be used against me to put me on meds. With the way that it was used, I think that it might have been done on purposes. Blue could just imply being under water, or being viewed through water, yes? Well, instead it was insisinsted that I was “depressed” when what I was at the moment was board, uninterested, and kinda pissed off that I was being asked to do *art*.
Needless to say, That didn’t work for me. I knew that I wasn’t an artist, that my work wouldn’t ever be understood long before that. In school, I was lucky enough to have some art lessons. However, my teachers didn’t like my art. If I tried to draw things from inside my head, I’d get more sessions with the school councilor. I will never understand why attempting to draw things was such a problem. I was teased, always teased for my artwork. Never was I praised for it, so I know that I wasn’t much good.
So, why would I go back to art? To overcome my fears. To express emotion with a few basic storkes in a safe place for me to do so.
Right now, the plan is to practice once a week. one complete art work, expressing fear right now. I’m hopeing that I will be able to get it out of me… that this will help me get over and deal with and process the amount that I’ve got chasing me right now. Hopefully the combination of this and the thyroid meds are going to be enough. Even if The thyroid meds are a “fix” I’ve still got to go back and deal with the emotional results of the fear. Just because the cause could be that doesn’t change how terrible the effects of it were.
Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?
I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.
Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.
I took a while off because I got a case of heat stroke, and recovery took a bit. After my shift at work, I cleaned house, and once I was done with that, I moved stuff from storage. Then I showered and had some NSFW fun with the no longer FB… what I didn’t do was drink water. Any, at all, all day… despite the fact that it was really, crazy hot.
Don’t do that. Take the time out to drink lots of water.
On monday I got very, very sick to my stomic, dizzy and the strength just went out of my legs… So I got home, drank something and went to bed. I felt fine when I woke up. Then the next day, It happened and went away for no apparent reason.
So I took my self down to the dr and got tested.
Negative. No baby.
So I just managed to freak myself out..
I’m now drinking as much as I can handle, and making sure that I get the chance to rest. Its too early to tell if I’m starting to get better. But I’m very much relieved.