Marilyn Monroe said I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.
There was a time when I agreed with her. When I truly believed they women were equal, that the reason I was ignored was my age. But then I noticed something. The people who said that women weren’t equal, and it needed to be changed treated me with respect. They heard what I said… The people who said that women were equal ignored me.
Fast forward to today, and I’m making less than a man would at my job. It’s not that I negated less. It’s that I was lied to when the negotiation ended. It’s that there are no local jobs that I will ever be paid the same as a man.
There are no local jobs where I will be respected like a man would. There is less chance for me to do the photography I like because I’m a women, and should be taking photos of people. Yuck. Not Me.
I’m trapped by being a women. I’m ignored, pushed aside. If what I want for me isn’t what the other person in the transaction wants, I’m expected to give up my goal, regardless of how that makes me feel…
So no. I’m not happy being a women in a man’s world. I’m not content to be unequal to any one, based only on my gender, and sexual orientation.
I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.
After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.
I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.
I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.
Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?
I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.
Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.
My old computer is no longer worth having any more. This requires me to choose what apple product I will be buying. It’s more then just what can I afford, it requires me to take a guess about what the rest of the world will bring to me… and I don’t know what that will end up beings.
But the more interesting thing is that I was really, really upset about it. I really want to keep my silver. I love that computer. It’s case is covered in stickers, and I’m fully in love with the thing. It was the first device that took my hear away, and now I’m seeking to get a new one. I worked through the upset, and am now seeking something better, and something more.
Days drift from sunset to sunrise.
After dinner I share my lovers bed.
Breakfast shared in early morning.
Day to my work.
coffee shop email,
Office photo editing.
Plans, cloths and equipment laid out for tomorrow.
I’m not getting anything useful done. Instead of doing what I should do, I spend my time listening, and doing and feeling all of the things that I don’t want in my life. Why is it so hard for me to sit down and spend a few hours getting my photographs watermarked? Why is it to hard to get my last 2 or 3 sets of photographs organized? Why is my manifesto stalled? why haven’t I made my dr appointment yet?
Because each of those is one small step to getting something that I want… that if I get I might end
up not really wanting it. I might end-up without dreams… and then I really would be broke.
I found a room. In a place I want to live. For a price I can afford if nothing goes wrong– but we all know that things go wrong, and that life is expensive.
So, what am I doing to solve the problem? I’ve applied for a few *gasp* part-time jobs. Don’t panic. I’m not selling out. My photography keeps running into problems. Most recently it’s getting the tone right. “buy my work or your stupid” just isn’t going to cut it.
So… I’ve got to get packed, Finish taking photos for my current portfolio, finish editing the ones I’ve got, order the photos (any recommendations? I haven’t found a good place to buy from yet.), and write the sales pitch, lean the sales pitch, and buy a suit. *and* get my profile set up. So much work to do… and all I want to do is eat pop corn and watch “startreck enterprise” and crochet.