I finally started one. My amazingly awesome therapist gave me a journal with (insert quote here) written on it. This quote gave me some thing to think about… And the end result of that thinking was to give me a journal that’s a simple list of what Ive done. This is something that I have neglected to focus on or even acknowledge for a long time. I review this journal second thing(meds come first) I. The morning. Its helping me move towards getting out of bed before work so that my life is more then laying in bed and work. I’m feeling really happy about this and am considering posting this list as a photograph on twitter, but I’m not sure if I’d be OK with making it public, or of it would just feel like too much work.
It was a dark and stormy night. The road that was going to lead me home was an unsafe one, that had rock slides and sheer cliffs. My friend refused to let me take that one, so I took the safer route. It’s still a mountain pass, but no sheer drops, 3 lanes in each direction, and much straighter. So, I thought that all would be good.
There was a car to my left, and rocks all over the road. Running over one of them left my tire punctured and my rim broken. Thankfully I had a spare in the back of my car. In a crying panic I called my friend.
I was sitting in my locked car, waiting for them to rescue me when the wrong car pulled behind me, A man in a yellow rain suite then shined a mag light into my window. He was highway patrol. He was professional. but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m triggered by law enforcement, as well as car problems. Just as he left, another vehicle with far too many lights pulled up in front of me. I was already at a 10. He was a nice man who changed my tire for 60 dollars.
This let me go on my way and I made it home. Now I;m not copying well while waiting for a replacement rim.
This part is much harder then the first part in the car becouse no one seems to get it… Im cut off from all of my safe places. I cant just toss a few items in the car and take off. I feel at times like I did when my now ex boyfriend wuld take his care and leae me withonlthe stick sift that I couldnt drive.
The first time I did art therapy, I was given a set of mostly dead markers. The only one that really worked was blue. so, I did my whole thing in blue. whatever. I didn’t think that it was going to be used against me to put me on meds. With the way that it was used, I think that it might have been done on purposes. Blue could just imply being under water, or being viewed through water, yes? Well, instead it was insisinsted that I was “depressed” when what I was at the moment was board, uninterested, and kinda pissed off that I was being asked to do *art*.
Needless to say, That didn’t work for me. I knew that I wasn’t an artist, that my work wouldn’t ever be understood long before that. In school, I was lucky enough to have some art lessons. However, my teachers didn’t like my art. If I tried to draw things from inside my head, I’d get more sessions with the school councilor. I will never understand why attempting to draw things was such a problem. I was teased, always teased for my artwork. Never was I praised for it, so I know that I wasn’t much good.
So, why would I go back to art? To overcome my fears. To express emotion with a few basic storkes in a safe place for me to do so.
Right now, the plan is to practice once a week. one complete art work, expressing fear right now. I’m hopeing that I will be able to get it out of me… that this will help me get over and deal with and process the amount that I’ve got chasing me right now. Hopefully the combination of this and the thyroid meds are going to be enough. Even if The thyroid meds are a “fix” I’ve still got to go back and deal with the emotional results of the fear. Just because the cause could be that doesn’t change how terrible the effects of it were.
Telemarketing isn’t reliable work. It’s not anywhere my dream job, and I failed at it this time. I could do well if the scripts weren’t changed every day… I tried. I failed. Im sitting in a coffee shop with my new hair cut. I now get to enjoy having a few days off where I don’t have to work, and I’m mostly trying to not be freaked out, the way that I have been the last few days.
I am on major freak out mode, and I have been for a few weeks. I can’t quite relax, and can’t quite calm down. I’m having tons of panic attacks. I’ve been in and out of crisis mode, mostly sitting on the edge of it. If it wasn’t for having very good friends, I wouldn’t be holding it together.
I can’t get anyone who’s in the mental health field to be helpful. None of them are willing to call me back, or answer there phones. The ones who will answer have all of there options weeks, and at least 300 dollars away. I wouldn’t mind the price, but I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been to enough to know that they are all the same. I’m scared of everything. Treat that, don’t try to tell me that having no hope is a mental disorder. Don’t try to tell me that *My* definitions of values aren’t important.
What I want from a Dr:
*treat main problem, not the secondary.
*review the chart before the appointment
*Believe me when I say that the side effects arn’t working for me.
*Believe me when I say that the meds make me more crazy
*When I say what my goals are, make them your’s too.
*see me On Time.
*If you cancel on me make my next appt. discounted.
*Clean the whole place, on a regular basis. (never, ever, ever should I smell stale piss in
your waiting room.)
I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.
After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.
I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.
I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.
Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?
I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.
Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.
My old computer is no longer worth having any more. This requires me to choose what apple product I will be buying. It’s more then just what can I afford, it requires me to take a guess about what the rest of the world will bring to me… and I don’t know what that will end up beings.
But the more interesting thing is that I was really, really upset about it. I really want to keep my silver. I love that computer. It’s case is covered in stickers, and I’m fully in love with the thing. It was the first device that took my hear away, and now I’m seeking to get a new one. I worked through the upset, and am now seeking something better, and something more.