“I don’t mind”

Marilyn Monroe said I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.
There was a time when I agreed with her. When I truly believed they women were equal, that the reason I was ignored was my age.  But then I noticed something. The people who said that women weren’t equal, and it needed to be changed treated me with respect. They heard what I said… The people who said that women were equal ignored me.
Fast forward to today, and I’m making less than a man would at my job. It’s not that I negated less. It’s that I was lied to when the negotiation ended. It’s that there are no local jobs that I will ever be paid the same as a man.
There are no local jobs where I will be respected like a man would. There is less chance for me to do the photography I like because I’m a women, and should be taking photos of people. Yuck. Not Me.

I’m trapped by being a women. I’m ignored, pushed aside. If what I want for me isn’t what the other person in the transaction wants, I’m expected to give up my goal, regardless of how that makes me feel…

So no. I’m not happy being a women in a man’s world.  I’m not content to be unequal to any one, based only on my gender, and sexual orientation.

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What makes a life worth living, and how do I get there?

I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.

After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.

I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.

I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.

Choices

Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?

I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.

Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.

No more creating please.

I get recharged when I create. It makes me feel awake, and alive. Yet, I’d rather be streaming videos and eating cheep candy in bed then doing anything useful. Isn’t that what a wage slave should be doing? Sleeping, being complacent with there lot in life? Ya, I guess so.

My job isn’t so bad on the scale of sole sucking. However, being left with almost 3 days of catch-up work by the person who covered my regular 2 days off counts as making me hurt all over, and not wanting to do my job.. or theres. If they had just done there job, instead of making more work.. or maybe even if they hadn’t done a thing. Just handled the “emergencies”… then I’d of only had 2 days of work ahead of me.

This has left me in the above mentioned state. I’m stressed, scared and hurting. I don’t have the answer of how to feel like creating again. But I want to be a fearless leader, and fearless leaders don’t get days off from doing there important work. That leaves me here, writing this blog. Wishing that it was 2pm when I could quit, and head to bed early.