I finally started one. My amazingly awesome therapist gave me a journal with (insert quote here) written on it. This quote gave me some thing to think about… And the end result of that thinking was to give me a journal that’s a simple list of what Ive done. This is something that I have neglected to focus on or even acknowledge for a long time. I review this journal second thing(meds come first) I. The morning. Its helping me move towards getting out of bed before work so that my life is more then laying in bed and work. I’m feeling really happy about this and am considering posting this list as a photograph on twitter, but I’m not sure if I’d be OK with making it public, or of it would just feel like too much work.
It was a dark and stormy night. The road that was going to lead me home was an unsafe one, that had rock slides and sheer cliffs. My friend refused to let me take that one, so I took the safer route. It’s still a mountain pass, but no sheer drops, 3 lanes in each direction, and much straighter. So, I thought that all would be good.
There was a car to my left, and rocks all over the road. Running over one of them left my tire punctured and my rim broken. Thankfully I had a spare in the back of my car. In a crying panic I called my friend.
I was sitting in my locked car, waiting for them to rescue me when the wrong car pulled behind me, A man in a yellow rain suite then shined a mag light into my window. He was highway patrol. He was professional. but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m triggered by law enforcement, as well as car problems. Just as he left, another vehicle with far too many lights pulled up in front of me. I was already at a 10. He was a nice man who changed my tire for 60 dollars.
This let me go on my way and I made it home. Now I;m not copying well while waiting for a replacement rim.
This part is much harder then the first part in the car becouse no one seems to get it… Im cut off from all of my safe places. I cant just toss a few items in the car and take off. I feel at times like I did when my now ex boyfriend wuld take his care and leae me withonlthe stick sift that I couldnt drive.
When I was a kid, food was always an issue. My dad apparently didn’t believe in eating breakfast, or lunch. Of course there cereal, but the milk would be spoiled, or all gone. There would be no tea to drink, only black coffee. The sugar was gone so often that I didn’t bother to check for it, and the milk.. already covered. So, there was nothing but toast but the jelly would have mold on it. of course my Dad didn’t think that there was a problem with eating moldy food, so sometimes the bread would be moldy also. That left me with little to eat for lunch. Lucky for me, there were a few smart teachers who would call my Dad, and make sure that I was given both breakfast and lunch at school. But that didn’t start until they figured out that I was using my birthday money on food.
When I got older, things got a little better. I started cooking, and thus got leftovers for lunch. That became cool when I got to high school because I would eat good for me food, and my friends wanted to be healthy. The problem then became getting proper food. There was a period of a few months where my diet was almost nothing but shitty iceberg lettous. I was still at the age where I needed a work permit, my parents wouldn’t sign it without me handing over my paycheck. I didn’t have a place that I could have hide the money safely. My room was considered fair game for searches. So, I wasn’t given food that had any nutritional value, and I didn’t have a single safe person who was willing to help me get it.
On top of this, I was always told that I was “fat” and my dad gave me various pills. They got flushed. I know, that’s bad to do with them, but It’s what I had to do. I didn’t want to take them. My problem wasn’t that I needed pills, I needed food that was healthy. If I ate too much, I was fat. If I ate too little, then I was being disrespectful for not liking the food.
So, I’ve already had food issues. This is only the ground work for the real problem. My last exboyfriend refused to eat anything that i cooked after a little while. He would then get offended if I didn’t like or eat the food that he made, or wanted to go out and eat. But I wanted healthy food, not fat and sugar filled stuffs. But, I let him cook, and I gained weight. As this happened, he got steadily more abusive. I don’t know if it was about my weight, or if it was about him being an asshole. But, it happened.
Then, earlier on the night he attacked me, he odored a pizza for us… one with meat on it… despite it being the one that I was paying for, and it was celebrating for me, and I don’t like meat on pizza. I like vegetables, and lots of them. He knew this, yet disregarded my tastes at my celebration, on my dime…
so, now the girl who has post-tratamic-stress can’t handle sitting down with a group of people and eating. So, I’m skipping Thanksgiving this year. I will not force my self into an experience that is high pressure, and likely to end bad with people who won’t understand. I say that because the ones who do understand let me just say “not this year” and answer with “ok” or “I understand” or “I’m here to talk about it.”
I have never been a follower. I’m not much of a leader, but I do make my own choices. This is why I have issues with the mental health professionals that I know. They keep on acting like they have a better idea of my life then I do. At my latest intake exam, I had one tell me that I should get a job dealing with people in the AM’’s because I have sleeping problems.
Mind you, if I were to get a job in the AM dealing with people, I wouldn’t be able to keep it. I’d have one too many bad days, and be fired. With my currant job, I’m mostly alone, and can go off and cry/panic/cope as needed. Most of my job is on my own, and free from anxiety causing stuff. Then he scheduled my next appt. for when I’m normally sleeping.
So, is he on my team? No. If the idea that I should go get another job that actively triggers my anxiety isn’t enough, could you just schedule me for a time when I’m available? One that’s not going to get everyone who I live with annoyed, and destroy my sleeping schedule?
If this were a one time thing, it would be different. But I’ve never had, in my years of dealing with them, a “metal health professional” who didn’t proclaim that there answers were the best, and who was willing to answer a single objection, or a single question. I’m used to doctors working with me more. They will at least give me a b.s. answer. I don’t always call them on it.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find someone in the mental health world who understands what it’s like out there in the real world. I don’t need people just giving orders. What I need is people who are going to help me find solutions so I can get back on track. Back to writing and photography. Get to the point where fear isn’t the controlling part of my life.
Telemarketing isn’t reliable work. It’s not anywhere my dream job, and I failed at it this time. I could do well if the scripts weren’t changed every day… I tried. I failed. Im sitting in a coffee shop with my new hair cut. I now get to enjoy having a few days off where I don’t have to work, and I’m mostly trying to not be freaked out, the way that I have been the last few days.
I am on major freak out mode, and I have been for a few weeks. I can’t quite relax, and can’t quite calm down. I’m having tons of panic attacks. I’ve been in and out of crisis mode, mostly sitting on the edge of it. If it wasn’t for having very good friends, I wouldn’t be holding it together.
I can’t get anyone who’s in the mental health field to be helpful. None of them are willing to call me back, or answer there phones. The ones who will answer have all of there options weeks, and at least 300 dollars away. I wouldn’t mind the price, but I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been to enough to know that they are all the same. I’m scared of everything. Treat that, don’t try to tell me that having no hope is a mental disorder. Don’t try to tell me that *My* definitions of values aren’t important.
What I want from a Dr:
*treat main problem, not the secondary.
*review the chart before the appointment
*Believe me when I say that the side effects arn’t working for me.
*Believe me when I say that the meds make me more crazy
*When I say what my goals are, make them your’s too.
*see me On Time.
*If you cancel on me make my next appt. discounted.
*Clean the whole place, on a regular basis. (never, ever, ever should I smell stale piss in
your waiting room.)
I’ve made a list of the current pain points in my life that I can fix, or at least take action on in the next few weeks.
*weight 196 pounds.
This makes me hurt all over.
This makes it harder to breath.
This makes my cloths not fit.
This makes me feel ugly.
I’ve already started the diet. I eat more vegetables.
This just sucks. I can’t get stuff done when overcome with fear, and after words I can’t do much because I’m really, really tired.
Mediate every day
Get enough sleep
Keep everything in working order.
They hurt *all the time* I have no hand strength because of it. I can barley type this as we speak. It royally sucks.
I ends meet every month… so long as nothing happens out of the expected. If something unexpected happens, then I’m screwed.
Pay off car with all extra cash
Write, and create things that I can sell.
My computer is really, really dying. Haven’t gotten a new one just yet. They cost alot and I don’t want to pull money out of my savings to get a new one.
Buy a new one.
If I some how manage to get through the list, and solve all of them will my life then be worth living? Not any more so then now. It will just be lots more pleasant, and easier. I no longer have to think that I may starve. My car is in good repair and working order. Once I get my body in working order, I will be able to pull my self towards the goal.
I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.
After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.
I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.
I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.