the darkest times

It was a dark and stormy night. The road that was going to lead me home was an unsafe one, that had rock slides and sheer cliffs. My friend refused to let me take that one, so I took the safer route. It’s still a mountain pass, but no sheer drops,  3 lanes in each direction, and much straighter. So, I thought that all would be good.
There was a car to my left, and rocks all over the road. Running over one of them left my tire punctured and my rim broken. Thankfully I had a spare in the back of my car. In a crying panic I called my friend.
I was sitting in my locked car, waiting for them to rescue me when the wrong car pulled behind me, A man in a yellow rain suite then shined  a mag light into  my window. He was highway patrol.  He was professional. but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m triggered by law enforcement, as well as car problems.  Just as he left, another vehicle with far too many lights pulled up in front  of me.  I was already at a 10.  He was a nice man who changed my tire for 60 dollars.
This let me go on my way and I made it home.  Now I;m not copying well while waiting for a replacement rim.
This part is much harder then the  first part in the car becouse no one seems to get it… Im cut off from all  of my safe places. I cant just toss a few items in the car and  take off.  I feel at times like I did when my now ex boyfriend wuld take his care and leae me withonlthe stick sift that I couldnt drive.

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Mighty Minion freaks out

Telemarketing isn’t reliable work. It’s not anywhere my dream job, and I failed at it this time. I could do well if the scripts weren’t changed every day… I tried. I failed. Im sitting in a coffee shop with my new hair cut. I now get to enjoy having a few days off where I don’t have to work, and I’m mostly trying to not be freaked out, the way that I have been the last few days.

I am on major freak out mode, and I have been for a few weeks. I can’t quite relax, and can’t quite calm down. I’m having tons of panic attacks. I’ve been in and out of crisis mode, mostly sitting on the edge of it. If it wasn’t for having very good friends, I wouldn’t be holding it together.

I can’t get anyone who’s in the mental health field to be helpful. None of them are willing to call me back, or answer there phones. The ones who will answer have all of there options weeks, and at least 300 dollars away. I wouldn’t mind the price, but I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been to enough to know that they are all the same. I’m scared of everything. Treat that, don’t try to tell me that having no hope is a mental disorder. Don’t try to tell me that *My* definitions of values aren’t important.

What I want from a Dr:
*treat main problem, not the secondary.
*review the chart before the appointment
*Believe me when I say that the side effects arn’t working for me.
*Believe me when I say that the meds make me more crazy
*When I say what my goals are, make them your’s too.
*see me On Time.
*If you cancel on me make my next appt. discounted.
*Clean the whole place, on a regular basis. (never, ever, ever should I smell stale piss in
your waiting room.)

Pain points

I’ve made a list of the current pain points in my life that I can fix, or at least take action on in the next few weeks.

*weight 196 pounds.
This makes me hurt all over.
This makes it harder to breath.
This makes my cloths not fit.
This makes me feel ugly.
Answer
Diet/exercise.
I’ve already started the diet. I eat more vegetables.
Anxiety/Panic
This just sucks. I can’t get stuff done when overcome with fear, and after words I can’t do much because I’m really, really tired.
Answer
Mediate every day
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Keep everything in working order.
Wrist issues
They hurt *all the time* I have no hand strength because of it. I can barley type this as we speak. It royally sucks.
Answer
Loose weight
Regular sleep
Stretch
relax.
Cash Flow
I ends meet every month… so long as nothing happens out of the expected. If something unexpected happens, then I’m screwed.
Answer
Pay off car with all extra cash
Get gigs.
Write, and create things that I can sell.
My computer
My computer is really, really dying. Haven’t gotten a new one just yet. They cost alot and I don’t want to pull money out of my savings to get a new one.
Answer
Buy a new one.

If I some how manage to get through the list, and solve all of them will my life then be worth living? Not any more so then now. It will just be lots more pleasant, and easier. I no longer have to think that I may starve. My car is in good repair and working order. Once I get my body in working order, I will be able to pull my self towards the goal.

What makes a life worth living, and how do I get there?

I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.

After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.

I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.

I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.

Choices

Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?

I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.

Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.

Issues

When my life gets good, I start hunting for emotional baggage of mine to deal with. This hunt often stirs up unexpected things that I didn’t realize were there or thought that i had dealt with. It can take a while of digging at unpleasant emotions before I figure out what it is that’s bugging me.

This is why I’ve been feeling so tired. Why I’ve been feeling so sick of work, and not wanting to create anything lately. I’d had a really bad experience. I am all about exploring my “dark side” with friends who I trust. One person who I no longer do this with pushed me into exploring my issues with being “worthless” and “stupid”. They were well outside of my spoken demands in this area. I wanted it to be on a day when I felt relatively strong. I wanted it to be known that we were going into it.

What ended-up happening is that they started in when I was in the middle of a really, really bad anxiety attack. The only thing that I want to hear when I’m in this state is that it’s going to be ok. If it’s not ok, then a “we’re going to deal with it” is a god response. This is *not* a good time to go picking, or pushing at stuff. Then a few days later, when I tried to talk to them about it, I wasn’t allowed to finish a sentence. Then I was yelled at that I wasn’t the conversation on track.

I cried over it then. I recently cried over it again. I felt tons better. I still will never trust this person again. They took advantage of my trust, mental state, and known weakness. I don’t ever want to trust someone again. I will never again have so few friends as to be dependent on one or two of them when I’m in a rough patch. I, however, will trust again. I will not allow one (or a dozen) persons actions control me.

Why Plan Ahead?

Why plan? it always ends up changing?
A planing gives you 2 things. Both are so valuable that it makes the headache of planning worth it.

When making a plan, you have to sit down and ask your self important questions. Lets start with a plan to go shopping, grab lunch with friends, and get some work done at a coffee shop after words. You know your starting location? good. You know what you’re shopping for? You have enough money to by it? You know when the stores open? what stores are likely to have the jacket your looking for? You know what time you’re going to have lunch? and were? You know what you need to bring with you to work on?

Once you’ve got all of that information, you can pull it into a rough plan. I’m going to go to big box store at 9, chain store at 930 ish, then other chain store around 10… then hit chain store in anoher shopping center around 1030 or 11, then be ready for lunch at that cool little family owned joint across the parking lot. Then a jump into the car, and hit the coffee shop by my house. Then home for dinner.

your friends call asking to bump lunch up to 11… doable right? just put the last shopping spot after lunch. easy to adjust.

When planning, you get 2 different things. first you get knowledge about what’s going on. It lets you see where you need more information, and more stuff.

It also gives you a general direction that your going in. Because sometimes life will spins you around until your lost, then knock you out.. and if you don’t have a plan it’s a whole lot harder to get reoriented and moving again.