“I don’t mind”

Marilyn Monroe said I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.
There was a time when I agreed with her. When I truly believed they women were equal, that the reason I was ignored was my age.  But then I noticed something. The people who said that women weren’t equal, and it needed to be changed treated me with respect. They heard what I said… The people who said that women were equal ignored me.
Fast forward to today, and I’m making less than a man would at my job. It’s not that I negated less. It’s that I was lied to when the negotiation ended. It’s that there are no local jobs that I will ever be paid the same as a man.
There are no local jobs where I will be respected like a man would. There is less chance for me to do the photography I like because I’m a women, and should be taking photos of people. Yuck. Not Me.

I’m trapped by being a women. I’m ignored, pushed aside. If what I want for me isn’t what the other person in the transaction wants, I’m expected to give up my goal, regardless of how that makes me feel…

So no. I’m not happy being a women in a man’s world.  I’m not content to be unequal to any one, based only on my gender, and sexual orientation.

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the darkest times

It was a dark and stormy night. The road that was going to lead me home was an unsafe one, that had rock slides and sheer cliffs. My friend refused to let me take that one, so I took the safer route. It’s still a mountain pass, but no sheer drops,  3 lanes in each direction, and much straighter. So, I thought that all would be good.
There was a car to my left, and rocks all over the road. Running over one of them left my tire punctured and my rim broken. Thankfully I had a spare in the back of my car. In a crying panic I called my friend.
I was sitting in my locked car, waiting for them to rescue me when the wrong car pulled behind me, A man in a yellow rain suite then shined  a mag light into  my window. He was highway patrol.  He was professional. but that doesn’t help me at all. I’m triggered by law enforcement, as well as car problems.  Just as he left, another vehicle with far too many lights pulled up in front  of me.  I was already at a 10.  He was a nice man who changed my tire for 60 dollars.
This let me go on my way and I made it home.  Now I;m not copying well while waiting for a replacement rim.
This part is much harder then the  first part in the car becouse no one seems to get it… Im cut off from all  of my safe places. I cant just toss a few items in the car and  take off.  I feel at times like I did when my now ex boyfriend wuld take his care and leae me withonlthe stick sift that I couldnt drive.

Mental Health Professionals are control freaks.

I have never been a follower. I’m not much of a leader, but I do make my own choices. This is why I have issues with the mental health professionals that I know. They keep on acting like they have a better idea of my life then I do. At my latest intake exam, I had one tell me that I should get a job dealing with people in the AM’’s because I have sleeping problems.
Mind you, if I were to get a job in the AM dealing with people, I wouldn’t be able to keep it. I’d have one too many bad days, and be fired. With my currant job, I’m mostly alone, and can go off and cry/panic/cope as needed. Most of my job is on my own, and free from anxiety causing stuff. Then he scheduled my next appt. for when I’m normally sleeping.
So, is he on my team? No. If the idea that I should go get another job that actively triggers my anxiety isn’t enough, could you just schedule me for a time when I’m available? One that’s not going to get everyone who I live with annoyed, and destroy my sleeping schedule?
If this were a one time thing, it would be different. But I’ve never had, in my years of dealing with them, a “metal health professional” who didn’t proclaim that there answers were the best, and who was willing to answer a single objection, or a single question. I’m used to doctors working with me more. They will at least give me a b.s. answer. I don’t always call them on it.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find someone in the mental health world who understands what it’s like out there in the real world. I don’t need people just giving orders. What I need is people who are going to help me find solutions so I can get back on track. Back to writing and photography. Get to the point where fear isn’t the controlling part of my life.

Art therapy.

The first time I did art therapy, I was given a set of mostly dead markers. The only one that really worked was blue. so, I did my whole thing in blue. whatever. I didn’t think that it was going to be used against me to put me on meds. With the way that it was  used, I think that it might have been done on purposes.  Blue could just imply being under water, or being viewed through water, yes? Well, instead it was insisinsted that I was “depressed” when what I was at the moment was board, uninterested, and kinda pissed off that I was being asked to do *art*.

Needless to say, That didn’t work for me. I knew that I wasn’t an artist, that my work wouldn’t ever be understood long before that. In school, I was lucky enough to have some art lessons. However, my teachers didn’t like my art. If I tried to draw things from inside my head, I’d get more sessions with the school councilor. I will never understand why attempting to draw things was such a problem.  I was teased, always teased for my artwork. Never was I praised for it, so I know that I wasn’t much good.

So, why would I go back to art? To overcome my fears. To express emotion with a few basic storkes in a safe place for me to do so.

Right now, the plan is to practice once a week. one complete art work, expressing fear right now. I’m hopeing that I will be able to get it out of me… that this will help me get over and deal with and process the amount that I’ve got chasing me right now.  Hopefully the combination of this and the thyroid meds are going to be enough. Even if The thyroid meds are a “fix” I’ve still got to go back and deal with the emotional results of the fear. Just because the cause could be that doesn’t change how terrible the effects of it were.

Mighty Minion freaks out

Telemarketing isn’t reliable work. It’s not anywhere my dream job, and I failed at it this time. I could do well if the scripts weren’t changed every day… I tried. I failed. Im sitting in a coffee shop with my new hair cut. I now get to enjoy having a few days off where I don’t have to work, and I’m mostly trying to not be freaked out, the way that I have been the last few days.

I am on major freak out mode, and I have been for a few weeks. I can’t quite relax, and can’t quite calm down. I’m having tons of panic attacks. I’ve been in and out of crisis mode, mostly sitting on the edge of it. If it wasn’t for having very good friends, I wouldn’t be holding it together.

I can’t get anyone who’s in the mental health field to be helpful. None of them are willing to call me back, or answer there phones. The ones who will answer have all of there options weeks, and at least 300 dollars away. I wouldn’t mind the price, but I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been to enough to know that they are all the same. I’m scared of everything. Treat that, don’t try to tell me that having no hope is a mental disorder. Don’t try to tell me that *My* definitions of values aren’t important.

What I want from a Dr:
*treat main problem, not the secondary.
*review the chart before the appointment
*Believe me when I say that the side effects arn’t working for me.
*Believe me when I say that the meds make me more crazy
*When I say what my goals are, make them your’s too.
*see me On Time.
*If you cancel on me make my next appt. discounted.
*Clean the whole place, on a regular basis. (never, ever, ever should I smell stale piss in
your waiting room.)

Pain points

I’ve made a list of the current pain points in my life that I can fix, or at least take action on in the next few weeks.

*weight 196 pounds.
This makes me hurt all over.
This makes it harder to breath.
This makes my cloths not fit.
This makes me feel ugly.
Answer
Diet/exercise.
I’ve already started the diet. I eat more vegetables.
Anxiety/Panic
This just sucks. I can’t get stuff done when overcome with fear, and after words I can’t do much because I’m really, really tired.
Answer
Mediate every day
Get enough sleep
Exercise
Keep everything in working order.
Wrist issues
They hurt *all the time* I have no hand strength because of it. I can barley type this as we speak. It royally sucks.
Answer
Loose weight
Regular sleep
Stretch
relax.
Cash Flow
I ends meet every month… so long as nothing happens out of the expected. If something unexpected happens, then I’m screwed.
Answer
Pay off car with all extra cash
Get gigs.
Write, and create things that I can sell.
My computer
My computer is really, really dying. Haven’t gotten a new one just yet. They cost alot and I don’t want to pull money out of my savings to get a new one.
Answer
Buy a new one.

If I some how manage to get through the list, and solve all of them will my life then be worth living? Not any more so then now. It will just be lots more pleasant, and easier. I no longer have to think that I may starve. My car is in good repair and working order. Once I get my body in working order, I will be able to pull my self towards the goal.

What makes a life worth living, and how do I get there?

I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.

After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.

I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.

I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.