I have several short stories, and one peace of non-fiction that I have waiting in the wings to have a draft written of. However, I don’t know that I should choose, or even what I want to work on. There is no concrete reason why one of the works would be better for me to write then the other. No matter what project I choose, I’m going to be stuck with it for a while.
I have a feeling that my non-fiction idea is the most complete, most ready to go, and the most likely for people to want to by. I just don’t want to spend more time in this part of my life where I’m cold, hungry, and on the edge of failing. I’m working my ass off to keep me going. I’m slowly putting one foot in front of the other. But do I need the escape of fiction? To put onto the page stories of place that are warm, and where food is good, and people art is paid for? Can I continue on in this existence when all of my writing is focussed on it?
I’m not sure. I Have very little in the way of an idea there. SO, I am going to do try to work on 2 projects at the same time. I’ll work on the non-fiction one until I run into a period where It need research, not writing.
I’ve made a list of the current pain points in my life that I can fix, or at least take action on in the next few weeks.
*weight 196 pounds.
This makes me hurt all over.
This makes it harder to breath.
This makes my cloths not fit.
This makes me feel ugly.
I’ve already started the diet. I eat more vegetables.
This just sucks. I can’t get stuff done when overcome with fear, and after words I can’t do much because I’m really, really tired.
Mediate every day
Get enough sleep
Keep everything in working order.
They hurt *all the time* I have no hand strength because of it. I can barley type this as we speak. It royally sucks.
I ends meet every month… so long as nothing happens out of the expected. If something unexpected happens, then I’m screwed.
Pay off car with all extra cash
Write, and create things that I can sell.
My computer is really, really dying. Haven’t gotten a new one just yet. They cost alot and I don’t want to pull money out of my savings to get a new one.
Buy a new one.
If I some how manage to get through the list, and solve all of them will my life then be worth living? Not any more so then now. It will just be lots more pleasant, and easier. I no longer have to think that I may starve. My car is in good repair and working order. Once I get my body in working order, I will be able to pull my self towards the goal.
I wish I had the answer, however I don’t. This question has been plaguing me for years. I’ve tired filling my time with sex, drinking and having fun. I’ve tried filling it with creative endeavors.. but I still have to work. Bills need paid, and props and trips need gotten, and computers need replaced. I’ve tried having relationships in various forms… I’ve tired blogging, not blogging. I’ve tired owning all the new gadgets, games and softwares. I’ve tired becoming a public speaker, but no one wants to hear my message. Or at least no one would pay for it… and I really like having a house, working phone and internet access.
After all of this, I’ve learned alot about my self. I know that I really, really like being able to dress in nice cloths. (Thrift store, thank you.) I know that I have to create, and do so on a regular basis. I know that I need friends and relationships. I know that I want to be in the drivers seat. I just don’t know how all of that can add up to a life that’s worth living. One where I don’t just want the fear to end.
I’ve been to more doctors, and done more years of therapy then I can count. All they do is give me meds that don’t work, and make me fell like crap. Some make me not creat, and really not care about anything. Yes, it makes me not afraid, and not get upset. However, it makes me really fat, all of my joints hurt, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to get off my ass and do anything.
I’m going to change the question. “what do I want to see happen in my life” and “how can I use what I’m good at to make that happen?”
It seems like I can use that.
Everyone makes choices. The question is how do you make them? Do you choose what’s right, what’s easy? I tend to get trapped into making the easy choices. I think that most people tend to get trapped into that line of thought. However, there is more then just right, easy and wrong. There is Good for me. Sometimes whats good for me is spending a day on the couch watching movies. Sometimes it’s going to see the art exhibit that’s a 1/4th of a tank away. Do any of these effect the world? Not by much. However, they effect me.
I’m not talking about the big life choices here. If you’re reading this blog, then you’ve already made the big life choices. Now you’re getting an emergency fund, a start up fund or are farther down the road on the path to Fearless Leader then I am. We kind of get the big choices. But what about the every day choices?
I make choices based on what’s good for me. There needs to be work, play and rest. Without the play, the work will drain you. Without the work, the play becomes work. Without rest, well… nothing will get done. Trying meth isn’t an option. I like my teeth. Don’t forget doing good for others, and not harming them.
Right now, I’m dealing with a chest cold that limits what I can do. No early mornings photographing things. No hikes, or long walks. Just lots of rest and wishing I could breathe easy. I’m ready to be up and doing, and I really want to be active. Hopefully next week. I’d like to at least be recovered enough for a good long walk.
My old computer is no longer worth having any more. This requires me to choose what apple product I will be buying. It’s more then just what can I afford, it requires me to take a guess about what the rest of the world will bring to me… and I don’t know what that will end up beings.
But the more interesting thing is that I was really, really upset about it. I really want to keep my silver. I love that computer. It’s case is covered in stickers, and I’m fully in love with the thing. It was the first device that took my hear away, and now I’m seeking to get a new one. I worked through the upset, and am now seeking something better, and something more.
I’m not getting anything useful done. Instead of doing what I should do, I spend my time listening, and doing and feeling all of the things that I don’t want in my life. Why is it so hard for me to sit down and spend a few hours getting my photographs watermarked? Why is it to hard to get my last 2 or 3 sets of photographs organized? Why is my manifesto stalled? why haven’t I made my dr appointment yet?
Because each of those is one small step to getting something that I want… that if I get I might end
up not really wanting it. I might end-up without dreams… and then I really would be broke.
“talking about a revolution sounds like a whisper”
I sure hope that I get to be a part of that whisper. The one that brings my world out of the economic crisis’s that have real effects on peoples lives. I’m trying to be a small part of it. But I have to whisper. The real cost of being loud is more then I could bear.
So, what is this dangerous revolution? I’m not going to over-throw the over-lords that give me a pay-check. I just want to be my own “fearless leader”. I’m not a mindless drone doing my job day in, and day out. That’s what they want. It scares them that a wage-slave aspires and takes actions to be more.