I used to know how to do it. It was really, really easy. I knew what I wanted, and I made choices that would best get that. Now, I find that what I wan isn’t as clear. Or, more accurately, I want 3 different things that I can’t have all at the same time.  I want a steady, safe adequate income. I also want physical and emotional comfort. I also want to be paid for my creative work.  But I want them all now.

The easiest way to have a steady, safe and adequate income is to become a phlobotomist. Unfortunately that makes the physical and emotional comfort go out the window, while at the same time slowing down my ability to do anything that will get me paid for doing creative work.

I could go for the physical and emotional comfort, but right now that would require me to spend lots and lots of time in bed, watching TV, and working at a dead end job that may fall throughout by the middle of next month. I would also not do much of anything, becouse right now, everything hurts to do.. and I do mean everything.

Or I could get on and try doing creative work that may or may not make me money. This is the option that I want to do for me, in the long run. It’s also the physically hardest, and the emotional hardest. This one requires me overcoming pain, and my physical limitations, and stretching my self emotionally.  Growing pains. I hate growing pains.

I think I want to do option 3. It’s the one that I dream about. When I’m laying in bed, achieving number 2, it’s what I wish I was doing. It lights up the part of me that got me to start this blog. But I still don’t know if I should be doing number one instead. I really want that income. It will let me purchase stuff that will make it easier for me to do number 3.

I guess the real questions is: Do I go back to school so I can earn more money while I achieve my dreams, or do I pour my self into the dreams?  And how do I make sure that I am working towards my dreams above all else? how do I overcome the “It hurts I just don’t want to hurt anymore?” (this is impossible btw. no matter what, I can’t get away from pain.)


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