When my life gets good, I start hunting for emotional baggage of mine to deal with. This hunt often stirs up unexpected things that I didn’t realize were there or thought that i had dealt with. It can take a while of digging at unpleasant emotions before I figure out what it is that’s bugging me.
This is why I’ve been feeling so tired. Why I’ve been feeling so sick of work, and not wanting to create anything lately. I’d had a really bad experience. I am all about exploring my “dark side” with friends who I trust. One person who I no longer do this with pushed me into exploring my issues with being “worthless” and “stupid”. They were well outside of my spoken demands in this area. I wanted it to be on a day when I felt relatively strong. I wanted it to be known that we were going into it.
What ended-up happening is that they started in when I was in the middle of a really, really bad anxiety attack. The only thing that I want to hear when I’m in this state is that it’s going to be ok. If it’s not ok, then a “we’re going to deal with it” is a god response. This is *not* a good time to go picking, or pushing at stuff. Then a few days later, when I tried to talk to them about it, I wasn’t allowed to finish a sentence. Then I was yelled at that I wasn’t the conversation on track.
I cried over it then. I recently cried over it again. I felt tons better. I still will never trust this person again. They took advantage of my trust, mental state, and known weakness. I don’t ever want to trust someone again. I will never again have so few friends as to be dependent on one or two of them when I’m in a rough patch. I, however, will trust again. I will not allow one (or a dozen) persons actions control me.