I started by waiting for way too long in the waiting room, but it was worth it. When she got in, she introduced her self, and offered me a seat… then asked relevant questions, she knew who I was because she read the chart with all the info I’d given the person who did the blood pressure ect, and asked revenant questions.
Then she sent me out for blood work. Lots, and lots of tests. I can’t tell you how relieved it made me to finally have someone checking for an underlying cause. There are lots of problems that the body can have that cause anxiety, and I’m not ok with treating the stymptoms without checking for a cause (at least over the long term). How do you check? blood tests. It’s not like I’m claming that the “moon people” are out to get me. I just want to know, for sure.
She also asked about some drugs that I’d never heard of, in drug classes that I didn’t know about that can help with anxiety. I had thought that I’d tried everything… she proved all my old dr’s wrong there.
I’m just felling relieved that I’ve got a good dr, for the first time in… I hadn’t know there was such a thing….
I’m terrified. I’m scared of making a wrong choice, and I’m scared of making the right choice… I’m even scared of my teddy bear. The old one that was bigger then me when it was made for me. Right now, there are 2 most pressing questions.
1. will the “new” dr be able to help?
2. how will I make enough money to live?
I’m still working full time, but I can’t afford to work at my job any longer. That’s nothing new. However, that the anxiety is bad again… and the dr is going to prescribe an expensive fix.. but I’m not sure that I can get a new job and learn stuff at it, and do well if I’m feeling this scared. I’m bairly able to get through my current job, and that’s only because i could do my job in my sleep.
Now, if I could just let my anxiety relax for a moment, and at least get started on the job hunt, or working on making the choices behind having a website for my self, then I might be getting somewhere.
Telemarketing isn’t reliable work. It’s not anywhere my dream job, and I failed at it this time. I could do well if the scripts weren’t changed every day… I tried. I failed. Im sitting in a coffee shop with my new hair cut. I now get to enjoy having a few days off where I don’t have to work, and I’m mostly trying to not be freaked out, the way that I have been the last few days.
I am on major freak out mode, and I have been for a few weeks. I can’t quite relax, and can’t quite calm down. I’m having tons of panic attacks. I’ve been in and out of crisis mode, mostly sitting on the edge of it. If it wasn’t for having very good friends, I wouldn’t be holding it together.
I can’t get anyone who’s in the mental health field to be helpful. None of them are willing to call me back, or answer there phones. The ones who will answer have all of there options weeks, and at least 300 dollars away. I wouldn’t mind the price, but I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been to enough to know that they are all the same. I’m scared of everything. Treat that, don’t try to tell me that having no hope is a mental disorder. Don’t try to tell me that *My* definitions of values aren’t important.
What I want from a Dr:
*treat main problem, not the secondary.
*review the chart before the appointment
*Believe me when I say that the side effects arn’t working for me.
*Believe me when I say that the meds make me more crazy
*When I say what my goals are, make them your’s too.
*see me On Time.
*If you cancel on me make my next appt. discounted.
*Clean the whole place, on a regular basis. (never, ever, ever should I smell stale piss in
your waiting room.)
I’ve done a good job of cutting off my social life for the last few months. I just haven’t wanted to see, or talk to any one. I have a huge list of reasons why. Mostly, people suck. If you don’t have clear boundaries, and ensure that people treat you right, they won’t. It’s alot of work for me.
However, people have there good points as well. After a long time in social isolation, I’m now texting, messaging and even talking on the phone. They are willing to provide all kinds of emotional support, and even just being nice to me is awesome. I’ve spent the past few years building a good social network. It’s still not what I’d like it to be, but the people in it are really, really good.
So, what’s the point? You need friends. They are going to make your life better. They do take work, and if they are the kind you need, they will give it back to you when you need it. I can’t really say how much good the people in my life have been. Not everyone is there forever, but alot of them are going to be, or at least I hope that they are going to be.
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something” The Princess Bride.
I hurt, both physically and emotionally. If it’s a good day, I’m only uncomfortable. My hands and wrist are, at best mildly uncomfortable. I’ve got arthritis already. On the bad days I can barley move my hands. On the really bad days, I”ve got burning pain shooting up my arms. Lucky for me, the really bad days don’t happen very often.
Then there’s the anxiety. It comes in stops and starts, and right now it’s really bad. My phone… is mostly dead. I can barley use it. I’ve got another one on the way, but it’s not here yet. I’ve got more reliable phone for my own use, and because of my magical number service, I’m porting my texts and calls to it..
But, I’ve lost all of the apps that I have become dependent on. Every time I go to use one, I have a panic attack. It’s ranging from mild to very severe… How do now get notes onto my computer? I can’t. How do I view my google calendar? I can’t.. check email? nope. Take a photograph of what i want to remember? not gonna happen…
So, what do I do? I freak out. I take my time, and I get things done as I can. I let people know that I’m waiting on the new phone… and I try not to mess things up too badly. I then also remind myself that I am a self-rescuing princess… who gets a little help.
I’m coming out as Atheists.
This has serious repercussions. They are at there most frenzied peak, because it’s Christmas. It happens every year, and this time of year I am defiantly on the outside of this american side… always on the outside.
My family is all christen, or at least the ones who I’m still on speaking terms with, and they’ve all wished me merry Christmas again… I haven’t celebrated it in years. I’ve been deliberately not celebrating it for years. At work, I had to fight to be left out of the “Christmas” gift exchange.
I have news for you. Wishing me merry Christmas is much like me wishing you “happy donald duck day”
Sorry I’ve been gone for so long.
This month has been a hard one. I spent most of it working. Not just the day job, but working on writing a fictional work, as well as doing research for a book about cooking, cheaply. Somewhere, I managed to find a way to deal with the icy bathroom window, and the freezing cold house when I go to work, and when I come home. It’s cold here when I go to bed too, but then I’m snuggled under a nice warm blanket.
Somewhere in that, I was taken down, and hard. I’ve spent the past week sick. I went from feeling cold, to a sore throat, to sleeping. Skip to now, and I’ve lost 3 days of doing anything usefull, and through a huge effort on my part, spent yesterday shopping, cleaning, and doing most of the laundry. Today? I cooked rice, and a vegetable dish. After posting this, I’m going to lay out my stuff for work. Then a nap before work.
Hopefully tomorrow, I will feel like eating more flavorless pasta cooking by pouring hot water over it. It’s much easer to cook. ..
So, if you’re sick this holiday season, take care of your self. If you’re well… make sure that you don’t skip the multi-vitamins.