189 pounds

I’ve gained 10 pounds in one month due to overeating and inactivity. Some of it has been stress eating, some has been celebrating.My activity outside of work has turned into laying down in bed for the most part. I’ll lay there reading, or watching streaming video on my iPad. That or I go to therapy.  But my job is really physical, and it makes me be on my feet and moving. This movement has likely stopped me from getting even fatter.

So, I know how to make my self loose weight. I get more active… I sit and read instead of laying down. I spend more time working on projects, even if they are ones that are really sedentary. That would be things like writing, and interacting with people.  In a week, my body would have lost enough weight for the pain to stop. It really is that simple for me. But I have to want to do it. That’s the problem for me. Being my currant weight is doing something for me.

It’s keeping men from flirting with me.  I don’t want the guy who’s my age and really, really cute and nice flirting. It’s not a good time for me to  be meeting that kind of person right now. I don’t want the guy who’s old and jobless. I never, ever, ever want him in my life. Unless he’s really rich and looking to marry me. Then I’ll consider it.  Lets say that I made it through the cheese/insulting line, and I go to turn him down. There’s a good chance that I will receive a fairly uncivil reaction from the guy. This part scares me too.  I’ve seen far too many guys who arn’t ok with me not wanting anything to do with him.

Do I really need to put up with that kind of crap from guys? Do they really need to be mostly assholes who won’t take a “I’m not interested” as an answer? Unfortunately, the case to both of them is yes, yes I do. The worst part is that the world I live in has said that this is both acceptable, normal, and good.  This needs to change.

Why I’m skipping Thanksgiving this year

When I was a kid, food was always an issue. My dad apparently didn’t believe in eating breakfast, or lunch. Of course there cereal, but the milk would be spoiled, or all gone. There would be no tea to drink, only black coffee.  The sugar was gone so often that I didn’t bother to check for it, and the milk.. already covered. So, there was nothing but toast but the jelly would have mold on it. of course my Dad didn’t think that there was a problem with eating moldy food, so sometimes the bread would be moldy also. That left me with little to eat for lunch. Lucky for me, there were a few smart teachers who would call my Dad, and make sure that I was given both breakfast and lunch at school. But that didn’t start until they figured out that I was using my birthday money on food.

When I got older, things got a little better. I started cooking, and thus got leftovers for lunch. That became cool when I got to high school because I would eat good for me food, and my friends wanted to be healthy.  The problem then became getting proper food.  There was a period of a few months where my diet was almost nothing but shitty iceberg lettous. I was still at the age where I needed a work permit, my parents wouldn’t sign it without me handing over my paycheck. I didn’t have a place that I could have hide the money safely. My room was considered fair game for searches. So, I wasn’t given food that had any nutritional value, and I didn’t have a single safe person who was willing to help me get it.

On top of this, I was always told that I was “fat” and my dad gave me various pills. They got flushed. I know, that’s bad to do with them, but It’s what I had to do. I didn’t want to take them. My problem wasn’t that I needed pills, I needed food that was healthy. If I ate too much, I was fat. If I ate too little, then I was being disrespectful for not liking the food.

So, I’ve already had food issues. This is only the ground work for the real problem. My last exboyfriend refused to eat anything that i cooked after a little while. He would then get offended if I didn’t like or eat the food that he made, or wanted to go out and eat. But I wanted healthy food, not fat and sugar filled stuffs. But, I let him cook, and I gained weight. As this happened, he got steadily more abusive. I don’t know if it was about my weight, or if it was about him being an asshole. But, it happened.

Then, earlier on the night he attacked me, he odored a pizza for us… one with meat on it… despite it being the one that I was paying for, and it was celebrating for me, and I don’t like meat on pizza. I like vegetables, and lots of them.  He knew this, yet disregarded my tastes at my celebration, on my dime…

so, now the girl who has post-tratamic-stress can’t handle sitting down with a group of people and eating. So, I’m skipping Thanksgiving this year. I will not force  my self into an experience that is high pressure, and likely to end bad with people who won’t understand. I say that because the ones who do understand let me just say “not this year” and answer with “ok” or “I understand” or “I’m here to talk about it.”

What I want

The is something wrong in the world. I want ,to change it. I want this world to be a better place for most people…

I want to be treated like a person, not a sex object, or a resource.

I want regular uninterrupted sleep.

I want to be given the authority and resources to do my job well.

I  want access to work that pays a living wage.

I most of all, I want this to be normal for everyone to have it. I want this to be the standard of normal. The list could go on, but this is what I’m dealing with at the moment, and what is on my mind.

Paying the Bills

If there was a way that I could survive by getting disability, I would be trying to do that. However,  I wouldn’t have enough money to pay for my meds, doctor appointments, rent and food if I were to be on it. This makes disability not an option for me. Even if I had thought that it was a good idea, or a morally right choice for me.  This leaves the only choices for me to make money being to earn it somehow..

So, This puts me working a job that right now puts in in the position of choosing what to buy and do with my money. Do I get an oil change or see my Dr? Do I go to counseling or buy food? There are no easy answers right now. Every penny that I spend feels like a life and death choice.  I eat mostly rice and pasta. They are inexpensive. I get free eggs and bread from a friend of mine. I splurge on premium peanut butter that’s an extra 2 dollars a jar.

I don’t get to buy things any more. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get new clothes, even from the thrift store. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get a new hair cut.  I don’t see how anyone could live on less money then I have right now. Well, I don’t see how they could while having any kind of life… I even canceled my internet for my phone to save the 10 dollars a month that it no longer costs me.

But, what am I doing in reaction to this barley getting the bills paid?  Hunkering down and not doing anything that directly moves me forward in the earning money direction. I don’t know why. I know that I need to be finding a new job, setting up my business ideas that will be running side by side. I know that I can handle this. However, I’m able to pay my bills, no matter how close I am to not getting them paid.

I even managed to splurge 40 dollars this month. of course, I now get to wait  until next to buy toothpaste, and other basic supplies. But I get my bills paid, on time, isn’t that the only thing that matters? It sure feels like it right now.. when It’s all that I can manage.

Mighty Minion… Quits

I quit my second job. I know, I barley got hired on. The position left me hiring all over. That was expected and fine. But, what I didn’t expect was to be dropping dishes on my second night. I seriously couldn’t hold on to a plate any more. I ended up quitting due to not being physically able to do the job. I would have loved to stay on, but that wasn’t an option for me. I need a job where I can keep the grip strength that I have.
I have a repeative stress injury. I knew about it when I took the job. But, this one make my pain level jump from 2 to 10. I expected that, and I was prepared to let my wrists grow stronger, and then slowly return to the level 2. that’s my currant acceptable level. My left is still sitting at a 5, and can get up to a 8 over the normal course of the day. after typing this, for example. But, i’ve dealt with this for years.
SO, I’m counting this as a lesson: strengthen wrists before taking the job… don’t expect to do it all on the job when working more then 2 shifts a week at a new place. Give it time to recover, instead of back to back to back shifts, work less days and as soon as done, put the braces on before starting the car to go home. Leave them on until it’s time to stretch and work out.
Now that I have a better idea of what my bodes going to need, I can move on to the next thing with what I’ve learned.
I’d much rather be starting a business, but affording mental health care now is the first step to making the business work. I’m only hopping that I can make it happen.

Mental Health Professionals are control freaks.

I have never been a follower. I’m not much of a leader, but I do make my own choices. This is why I have issues with the mental health professionals that I know. They keep on acting like they have a better idea of my life then I do. At my latest intake exam, I had one tell me that I should get a job dealing with people in the AM’’s because I have sleeping problems.
Mind you, if I were to get a job in the AM dealing with people, I wouldn’t be able to keep it. I’d have one too many bad days, and be fired. With my currant job, I’m mostly alone, and can go off and cry/panic/cope as needed. Most of my job is on my own, and free from anxiety causing stuff. Then he scheduled my next appt. for when I’m normally sleeping.
So, is he on my team? No. If the idea that I should go get another job that actively triggers my anxiety isn’t enough, could you just schedule me for a time when I’m available? One that’s not going to get everyone who I live with annoyed, and destroy my sleeping schedule?
If this were a one time thing, it would be different. But I’ve never had, in my years of dealing with them, a “metal health professional” who didn’t proclaim that there answers were the best, and who was willing to answer a single objection, or a single question. I’m used to doctors working with me more. They will at least give me a b.s. answer. I don’t always call them on it.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find someone in the mental health world who understands what it’s like out there in the real world. I don’t need people just giving orders. What I need is people who are going to help me find solutions so I can get back on track. Back to writing and photography. Get to the point where fear isn’t the controlling part of my life.

Problem Train

Getting to sleep is really hard. Staying asleep is almost as hard. Even when I’m rested, I don’t want to get out of bed. I’d rather lay in bed, watch netflix, and read book then move. The problem is that this leads to me feeling crappy about my self. It also has lead to a decrease in showers (but thank’s to the good deodorant I skip smelling.). This decrease in me doing stuff outside of bed has lead to an increase in wrist pain, and That makes me not want to get out of bed.
So… I’m getting off of the ‘problem train’ and going to start taking sleeping pills again. I’ll pair that with setting-up times for me to be working on specific projects that I’ve got going. I’ll set this up today while I’m at work. I’m switching trains. The new one hopefully will let me go where I would really, really like.