The first time I did art therapy, I was given a set of mostly dead markers. The only one that really worked was blue. so, I did my whole thing in blue. whatever. I didn’t think that it was going to be used against me to put me on meds. With the way that it was used, I think that it might have been done on purposes. Blue could just imply being under water, or being viewed through water, yes? Well, instead it was insisinsted that I was “depressed” when what I was at the moment was board, uninterested, and kinda pissed off that I was being asked to do *art*.
Needless to say, That didn’t work for me. I knew that I wasn’t an artist, that my work wouldn’t ever be understood long before that. In school, I was lucky enough to have some art lessons. However, my teachers didn’t like my art. If I tried to draw things from inside my head, I’d get more sessions with the school councilor. I will never understand why attempting to draw things was such a problem. I was teased, always teased for my artwork. Never was I praised for it, so I know that I wasn’t much good.
So, why would I go back to art? To overcome my fears. To express emotion with a few basic storkes in a safe place for me to do so.
Right now, the plan is to practice once a week. one complete art work, expressing fear right now. I’m hopeing that I will be able to get it out of me… that this will help me get over and deal with and process the amount that I’ve got chasing me right now. Hopefully the combination of this and the thyroid meds are going to be enough. Even if The thyroid meds are a “fix” I’ve still got to go back and deal with the emotional results of the fear. Just because the cause could be that doesn’t change how terrible the effects of it were.
I was starring at page 1 of 24. I have no idea what goes into the (insert kindergarden here) paragraph(s). I don’t even know if this part of the story should be written. Am I now writing something that will be, (If anyone looks at it) will be crossed out and say “why is this in the story?” “why is this detail being added?” well.. for two reasons. 1. I believe that there is enough of this story to become a novel. 2. I didn’t show anything until page 5, 3. This story is more interesting to me right now then the start of the other.
Maybe it’s time that I step back from the keyboard develop a true and undying love of the Johnny Mop. If I continue at this slow pace, I’ll get a novel ready for sale by about the time the sun destroys the planet… and there’s no money in that. At least a clean toilet is faster, and will be enjoyed by more people. Plus, that’s an easy one to turn into profit.
My brain is melting and running from my ears. My writing is so bad. I’m terribly scared that someone will read “wealthy”, right now. I’m also equally scared that it will be locked away in my computer because I never bothered to finish writing, or editing the story. ..
I couldn’t get through the whole thing on the first pass. The horror of it was so great that I had to stop. I’d written one too many paragraphs that had to be redone, and now I’m scared that I will never be able to finish the story.. and the anxiety is such that it stopped me form editing and to start filling in the gaps of the story. I got 2 pages written. That’s a respectable amount of work for a part time writer.
Now, I’m writing this post instead of working on my story. I’m scared that I won’t get to it, and I’m scared that I won’t be able to find the right words to tie the story to gather. I was so scared about this that i laid in bed for hours before behind hungry finally pulled me out of bed.
Is this writing any good? I don’t know.. and that scares me. Will no one read it? that’s as scary as someone reading it, and it being terrable.
I now have 2 stories sitting in the “rough draft” folder. The One that I just finished I believe could be very good. The other one sitting there… I think was just me figuring out how to get a story over 1,000 words on paper. It ended up as 14,000 words. This story is under the working title “wealthy”. It’s going to be my experiment with editing a story. My plan is to start today, using my iPad, or my computer to read through it and mark up what I think it needs. I’m *not* changing anything in the story (unless the change in me finding a really wrong word, or a misspelling after so long). Then I’ll make changes on the second pass. I’ll keep you posted on how this goes.
I started by waiting for way too long in the waiting room, but it was worth it. When she got in, she introduced her self, and offered me a seat… then asked relevant questions, she knew who I was because she read the chart with all the info I’d given the person who did the blood pressure ect, and asked revenant questions.
Then she sent me out for blood work. Lots, and lots of tests. I can’t tell you how relieved it made me to finally have someone checking for an underlying cause. There are lots of problems that the body can have that cause anxiety, and I’m not ok with treating the stymptoms without checking for a cause (at least over the long term). How do you check? blood tests. It’s not like I’m claming that the “moon people” are out to get me. I just want to know, for sure.
She also asked about some drugs that I’d never heard of, in drug classes that I didn’t know about that can help with anxiety. I had thought that I’d tried everything… she proved all my old dr’s wrong there.
I’m just felling relieved that I’ve got a good dr, for the first time in… I hadn’t know there was such a thing….
I’m terrified. I’m scared of making a wrong choice, and I’m scared of making the right choice… I’m even scared of my teddy bear. The old one that was bigger then me when it was made for me. Right now, there are 2 most pressing questions.
1. will the “new” dr be able to help?
2. how will I make enough money to live?
I’m still working full time, but I can’t afford to work at my job any longer. That’s nothing new. However, that the anxiety is bad again… and the dr is going to prescribe an expensive fix.. but I’m not sure that I can get a new job and learn stuff at it, and do well if I’m feeling this scared. I’m bairly able to get through my current job, and that’s only because i could do my job in my sleep.
Now, if I could just let my anxiety relax for a moment, and at least get started on the job hunt, or working on making the choices behind having a website for my self, then I might be getting somewhere.